Ugly hair makes me feel shitty. Today I realised how ugly and long my hair was getting. The two sides were un-even and my fringe was beginning to poke into my cornea.


See.

Also, I officially have a crooked mouth =\

Anyway, I got restless so I attacked my hair with some scissors.


The fringe looks alright(at least I can see now, so no complaints) but I don't know if the back has a gaping bald patch or not. Dad said it's alright - I take his word for it. Last night he had tried to shave his head again, but I had to help him do the back. It seems as though both him and I have a fervour for self-haircuts. Maybe something to do with our self-consciousness and ardour for DIY projects.


Not such a bad sideview considering I couldn't see what I was doing. Though I guess I mostly left the side/back tresses alone.

Going to do some chem studying now. Which sucks. But today in psych class, we saw a video of a Bulgarian institution for abondoned children with disabilities, and I felt bad for thinking that I had it hard.

I always do whatever I want until I'd rather stay in bed or be dead than do anything at all. In retrospect, all good ideas are bad ideas.

This was meant to be my happy week, but it's not working out right. I went to the orthodontist yesterday(my teeth feel very tender today) and the lady who's not my real orthodontist took care of me again. When I tell her about irregular things happening to my teeth she makes unhelpful comments like "ah well sweetie, sometimes the body does strange things". Tonight, my body is doing strange things. Due to unwise decisions made the previous night, I spent today sleep deprived, dehydrated, and plagued by a stubborn headache. The teeth aren't faring up so well either. I took two Panadols just before, but nothing happened, if not making me feel worse than before. With lack of logic making up most of the fibres in my body, I'd tried to swallow the pills with water straight out of the kettle. I spluttered it all out, but was left with a scorched mouth and melting Panadol in my mouth for 5minutes, as I blew on the water. The bitter taste of keeping Panadol in the mouth is probably going to linger on my tongue for days.

A lot of collapsing onto mattress, face first, holding my breath followed. Not just because the Panadol wasn't working, but because I've also misplaced my folder with important schoolwork in it. I HATE losing things. It's a sign of carelessness, a trait too synonymous to my name. I want to shake off all those bad things which I associate with myself. Some kind of spiritual detox is in need; hating myself is unhealthy.

I remind myself that I must stop living in perpetual remorse. Sometimes I become so engrossed by everything but the present that I forget to breathe.

"Last night I felt the approach of nothing. Not too close but on its way, like a wingbeat, like the cooling of the wind, the slight initial tug of an undertow."



I need more than just deadlines to motivate me, but it seems as though life will present me with nothing else. Is it life that I hate? or is it myself?



Or is hate just too strong of a word for someone as vague as myself to use?



In which case, I dislike being morbid and depressed. I dislike having no moral fibre. I dislike thinking about my thinking. Fuck.


fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck



FUCK is a satifying word. Someone should conduct a study on why.

The Beatles - I'm a loser

Oh, look! The Beatles named a song after me.

that is so punny!

no surprises

I got back my roll of film from last weekends photoshoot today!

....it was slightly dissappointing.

But photoshop can fix it!

...but I'm not going to show you the results yet.

Hopefully the few shots which I have left can be amended by some major cosmetic surgery and embellishment. We shall see. My art teacher, the ever thoughtful one, should be of some help.

On the same roll I had some random shots of friends in cafes. No surprises there. It seems to be my thing.


We accept you, one of us! Gooble gobble!


Peek-


a-boo!


Dinner conversation is very good in our circle of friends.


"Bored, going to photograph my feet" type photo whilst waiting for my models to show up. My feet look disgustingly similar to chicken's feet here. The resemblance is almost profound enough for my feet to be served at yumcha. Those disgusting Asians....will eat anything I tell you! I had some type of fungus for dinner just then.

I thought you ought to know.


PS: Yay the weekends are here! You have any plans?

i am so clever

Getting negs scanned is an expensive bitch, and scanning them myself is a waste of my life (plus, I have to do it at school because I dont have a neg scanner at home D: )

..but alas! I have found the perfect solution! After a bit of kanoodling on deviantart, I found out that a few people had been putting their negatives against a lightbulb and then photographing them. I gave it a try and it works! After inverting on photoshop and doing some serious colour correction that is...

Also, the quality is really quite poor, but one can't afford to be too fussy when working with such primitive equipment.

This here is an old roll of 35mm Kodak Gold shot with a Holga. You might recognise some of these shots already since I was able to scan a few of them before I was distracted by something shiny.





















Yay, photos are fun!

thursday ft. gabrielle

Thursday we had a surprise birthday dinner for our friend Yue except it wasn't really a surprise because we had to let her know or else she wouldn't have come...life is like that.

But I'm not going to post those photos because it's all on my facebook, already. (yea, I have a facebook. Deal with it)

Here are some photos from the afternoon.


Baby does NOT like photos. Too bad for her I am relentlessly resilient when armed with a camera.



Haven't taken photos of strangers for a long time...


She gave in.


We are so indecisive we couldn't choose which flowers to get for the birthday girl. In the end we settled on white roses. TRES unimaginative, but hey, you can't go wrong that way.



And here's one of me being smug and fed. Gabby looks quite cosmic there.

And here we BOTH look quite cosmic! Like some kind of nebula with two big faces.

Urgh, the sun is always shining in my bedroom. I don't know why. I appreciate it, but it makes me not want to work. BAD.

I am devastated :(

A devastated retard.

When I was doing my photoshoot today, I didn't wind on the 2nd roll of film properly. I shot 36 well thought out photos onto nothing. And now I only have half the number of shots as I thought I did. SIGH.

I am learning to breathe again. Though thoughts of self-infliction still meander. How could I have not wound on the film?!! I had checked. Next time I will double, no triple, check. Quadruple check.

Here are some digital snapshots I took because the little ones wanted to see what they'd look like:

I somehow quite like this blurry shot.

Before I leave I want to share my current craving for the movie Autumn in New York. Although most consider it a terrible movie (I do aswell to an extent - though I can't believe imdb gave it a 4.6/10(!)), I just love the character which Winona Ryder plays! She is so lovely and wears such darling outfits. And her bedroom is sublime, I remember after watching the movie I wanted to make some type of ethereal mobile aswell. Unfortunately for me I can't find my Autumn in New York DVD to rewatch my favourite moments :( Heartbreaking, I know. Oh well, enjoy these pictures from the movie.

(This dress and her hairclip is pure perfection!)

Even if it had a weak storyline and uninspiring dialogue, at least Winona Ryder looked amazing in it.

The Carpenters-Close To You

Always makes me want to close my eyes.

Saturday mornings are for procrastination. I'm good at procrastinating, learn a lot of things about myself and the world around me through procrastinating.

Main thing I learnt was that I'm not a part of the exclusive group of kids who worship Patrick Wolf. I thought I was special like those kids and appreciated weirdos, but obviously not. An old issue of i-D is telling me that "To many, he means nothing; to a few, he means everything." To me that reads as "To a small group of really cool indie kids who really 'get' music, he is God. The rest of you boring conforming mainstreamers are just too brainwashed to understand." This makes me sad, but no matter how many times I listen to "The Magic Position", I don't like it. I like his red hair though, I guess. Oh, and the Burberry ads are pretty nice too.




I'm also really cut that Easter is over. I'm suddenly really in the mood for blowing eggs. Not particularly painting them, but blowing them sounds good. I guess once I actually blow one out perfectly I would want to paint it too, but my current craving is more to do with the actual egg-blowing procedure.

Speaking of cravings, I'm so happy that autumn is here because that means persimmons! Persimmons are the most fantastic fruit ever. Well the astringent ones which are only eaten when soft are. I remember we used to have this neighbour called Charlie and he had a persimmon tree. I think he was my favourite person in the world when I was younger because he used to give us baskets of persimmons every year. He probably felt obliged too because I used to look yearnfully at that magical tree after school everyday. *love*



So yea, how's your weekendend going? Probably more exciting than mine. If not, go track down a soft and ripened persimmon and eat it. Everything will start to make sense.

charlyne yi's FARTHER AWAY (music video)

Sweetest thing ever. She's cute, weird and pretty funny. If you're bored, watch her other videos.

PS: The girl who made this video played Jody(from "Knocked Up"). She was the Asian stoner girlfriend of the guy who didn't shave.

i can't form long sentences and eric can't spell

juniper says:
i like the number 14

juniper says:
i dont know why

juniper says:
it looks friendly

juniper says:
it's not weird

juniper says:
but not obnoxious

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i agree

juniper says:
i think the number 4 makes me think of friendly things

juniper says:
because numbers which end in 4 often have lots of factors

juniper says:
and 4 is a perfect square

juniper says:
so is 1

juniper says:
and 2 times 7 is 14

juniper says:
and 2 and 7 are prime numbers

juniper says:
so i think i like 14

juniper says:
he's being weirded out

juniper says:
i like it

*smuck [écervelé] says:
hahaha

*smuck [écervelé] says:
11's not a bad nunber either, athough he likes to stand out a bit

juniper says:
yea

juniper says:
it's obnoxioius

juniper says:
i dont like it

juniper says:
i dont like the twin imagery

juniper says:
it's eerie

*smuck [écervelé] says:
12 is a bit obnoxious too

juniper says:
yea it is

juniper says:
it's such a small number to ahve so many factors

*smuck [écervelé] says:
15 is just evil, as is 16 and 18

juniper says:
it's like "look at me! i'm young but i have heaps of babies!"

juniper says:
skank.

*smuck [écervelé] says:
19's not too bad though

*smuck [écervelé] says:
haha, thats a funny way of looking at factors

juniper says:
yea, 16 and 18 are too representative of age

juniper says:
i like 24 though

juniper says:
it has lots of babies

juniper says:
but in a friendly way

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i prefer 56 over 24

juniper says:
because it's big enough to ahve babies

juniper says:
and it ends in 4

*smuck [écervelé] says:
56 is like sucess!

*smuck [écervelé] says:
it's like, awesome and sucess all rolled into one

*smuck [écervelé] says:
it's a good lump of money to have in your wallet

juniper says:
i like 100

juniper says:
it's obnoxious as fuck

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i don't

*smuck [écervelé] says:
it is, i don't like it

juniper says:
but it's sort of like i secretly have a crush on it

*smuck [écervelé] says:
it's always at the end of those number charts which plauge primary schooles

juniper says:
that's true

juniper says:
but i wasn't scared of numbers

juniper says:
i liked maths

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i like numbers which weren't the charct

*smuck [écervelé] says:
like 144

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and 121

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and 256

*smuck [écervelé] says:
256 reminds me of colours

*smuck [écervelé] says:
so i like that number

juniper says:
121 i like

juniper says:
it's a palindrome

juniper says:
palindromes are fancy

juniper says:
like rockstars or something

juniper says:
and 121 is also a perfect square

juniper says:
FUCK

juniper says:
have my babies 121

*smuck [écervelé] says:
ah, but not all palindromes are nice, some can looks terrible

juniper says:
truee

*smuck [écervelé] says:
haha

*smuck [écervelé] says:
1234321

*smuck [écervelé] says:
just looks like it's compensating too much

juniper says:
i think only odd number of digits palindromes work

juniper says:
something like 2442 is gay

juniper says:
it's like a retarded siamese twin

*smuck [écervelé] says:
it is it is

*smuck [écervelé] says:
yeah, but like, sharing one brain, and five bodies

juniper says:
if it was 24542 it's cool again

*smuck [écervelé] says:
hmm, it's still not as cool as 121

juniper says:
what else do you like?

juniper says:
yea

juniper says:
121

juniper says:
is fantastic

*smuck [écervelé] says:
hehe

*smuck [écervelé] says:
78's not bad

*smuck [écervelé] says:
oh

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and the square root of 3 is sexy

*smuck [écervelé] says:
seriously, how sexy is that

juniper says:
it is

juniper says:
it's sort of provocative

juniper says:
number 3 is provocative

juniper says:
but in a sexual way

juniper says:
number 2 is more demure

juniper says:
but also quite sexy

juniper says:
i think 3 is a blonde

juniper says:
2 is a brunette

juniper says:
5 is a redhead

juniper says:
they're all girls though

juniper says:
4 is definitely a boy

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i think 3 is more exotic though

juniper says:
it is

juniper says:
therefore more provocative

*smuck [écervelé] says:
2 is more conservative

*smuck [écervelé] says:
5 is just trying too hard

*smuck [écervelé] says:
too rounded off

*smuck [écervelé] says:
so it's an american

*smuck [écervelé] says:
because it thinks it's cool, but it's not

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and 1...1 is an arrogant bitch

juniper says:
it is

juniper says:
no

juniper says:
i dont know

juniper says:
1 is an enigma

*smuck [écervelé] says:
hmmm

*smuck [écervelé] says:
1 screams italian to me

*smuck [écervelé] says:
not sure why though

juniper says:
yea i sort of feel it

juniper says:
i think 7 would have good taste in music

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i think it must be that silly card game

juniper says:
uno

juniper says:
bahaha

juniper says:
i dont like uno

*smuck [écervelé] says:
7 reminds me of the saxaphone

juniper says:
really?

juniper says:
as in...

juniper says:
you think 7 would sound like one or it would play one?

*smuck [écervelé] says:
hmmm, just reminds me of one

*smuck [écervelé] says:
i think it's got to do with the look of the thing

juniper says:
ah ok

juniper says:
my house number is 373

juniper says:
it looks devilish

juniper says:
like johnny depp

juniper says:
if he was a number

juniper says:
he'd be something like 373

juniper says:
provocative and sexy and exotic

*smuck [écervelé] says:
my house number is 6

juniper says:
thus 3s

juniper says:
and then 7 would be the slight zing

*smuck [écervelé] says:
it's too modest and lame

juniper says:
it is

juniper says:
6 is boring

juniper says:
i think 6 would be chubby

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and 8 would be fat

juniper says:
lol

juniper says:
7 is thin

juniper says:
7 likes to mope around

juniper says:
7 probably does drugs

juniper says:
but 11 is the rockstar

*smuck [écervelé] says:
he's definately hard-core enough to do drugs

juniper says:
7 is the rockstar's best mate

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and 2 is the groupie

juniper says:
nono

juniper says:
3 and 5

juniper says:
2 is not a groupie

juniper says:
2 is the quiet girl who comes to the show with her older brother and his friends

juniper says:
she smokes a cigarette at the outskirts

juniper says:
she doesn't care for gigs

juniper says:
and 7 comes out and sees her

juniper says:
and he asks her for a light

juniper says:
i think her brothers probably know 11

juniper says:
anyway

*smuck [écervelé] says:
hmm maybe

juniper says:
this is getting a bit weird

*smuck [écervelé] says:
this is reminding my of playschool

*smuck [écervelé] says:
but with drugs

*smuck [écervelé] says:
and rock bands

juniper says:
haha?

*smuck [écervelé] says:
learning numbers?

*smuck [écervelé] says:
don't you remember those old segments how the numbers fly out of the weird playground equipment and through weird holes, and have a life of their own?

juniper says:
oh

juniper says:
i think that's sesame street?

*smuck [écervelé] says:
oh was it?

*smuck [écervelé] says:
oh yeah, i think it was

baby steps

Ok, on a more serious note, I think it's time for me to switch on.

I need to learn that just because I don't have goals does not mean I have nothing to work towards. I must also stop using the fact that I have nothing to work towards as an excuse for not working at all. Call me slow, but I have just realised that everyone around me is working; infact, "working" is what makes up at least 30% of our lives. Since I haven't really been consciously working(it's all just been reflexes), I have in essence been missing out on 30% of my life for the last....at least 3 years. Which is really quite shocking!

What have I been doing then? I think I have been living under the impression that just because I learn random trivial things through whatever it is that I do in my procrastination, I can pardon myself from not doing the actual work which I should be doing. In short I seem to have been living extremely unrealistically and without any practicality for much too long. This is against the natural progression of life! Everything I've been doing in the last 3 years has NOT benefited me! I AM WASTING MY LIFE AND NOW TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!

Obviously this has come as quite a shock. I think I'm going to go lie on my bed in the foetal position now.

"Loogie" is a portmanteau word of "lung cookie."

Right now, I am one big loogie who sounds like a man in drag. Except not as hot.


Speaking of hot....


Braces and a 'ROCK ON!!' face really just exemplified my elegance at my formal last Saturday night.

Though luckily, there were a few relatively cute and serious photos.





Am glad that over hyped event is over. How anti-climatic though... =/

Just me and my school related deadlines now. Schweet.