TEEN ANGST POETRY

...the worst part is reading and not laughing.

way i feel inside - the zombies

Should I try to hide
The way I feel inside
My heart for you?
Would you say that you
Would try to love me too?
In your mind could you ever be
Really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things
I want to say tonight

But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I will dream that someday you'll be
Really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things
I want to say tonight

But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide
The way I feel inside

thinking about my thinking

I don't like to write about personal things on here, or anything too deep and profound. It's not that I only have shallow thoughts, but I just don't want to share them with the world. My friend tells me I have intimacy issues. I wonder why I blog at all then, if I'm only going to hoard my thoughts to myself.

Yesterday I was at the library, and I was reading, not a book off a shelf but the wall of a toilet cubicle. Admist scrawls of "I love Ben" and the occasional "I love books", I saw something which appeased my morbid sense of optimism.

"I am dying. We are all dying...what defines us is the style with which we do it."

falling

I have a tendency to blame everything bad that happens on the fact that I wasn't trying, because only people who try are vulnerable to failure. The rest of us were apathetic all along, so what significance would succeeding or failing hold on our lives in the grand scheme of things (which we aren't certain about since not-trying leads to no ambition)? I don't know, I have some messed up philosophy. There is one thing I really care about right now, and am trying very hard at. I don't know how I'll accept my inevitable failure, because the odds are pretty against me. Oh here goes my pessimism, though I wouldn't really call it that, I'm just being realistic. I think.



Apathy and pessimism aside, here's another something I finished the other day. Started it about a month ago and realised how horrifically ugly it looked and stopped. But it's irritating to see it lying around half finished, so I spent the better half of Sunday afternoon trying to make something of it. Finished product is not my style at all, but I guess I must've felt angry or something. Well, splattering the ink by blowing on it did leave me a bit breathless and dizzy.

watercolour, gouache, ink and fineliners on watercolour paper. about 40 x 120 cm

dreams

I've been having the strangest dreams. They are so real like some kind of metaphysical continuation of my day time thoughts, that I've started to get confused between the two. If I had more time I'd keep a dream log, just to keep track of how insane I am becoming.



Anyway, this is some darkroom work I've been producing. I was experimenting with 'painting with light'. Creepy as usual.

spring

September: I start to lose count of the days and weeks. It's that month which marks the beginning of the end, the first -ber month. My holidays, if I can call it that, began a week ago, and I have slept like a Disney princess, waking only when the sun is so high that my face begins to burn from the sunlight through my windows.

Traditionally, during September holidays, I like to be spontaneous and lazy like the weather, but what I need this year is routine before I dream away another week. I get nervous when I talk about time in large increments, so I have been thinking about it in terms of hours, sort of less overwhelming. So, about 164 hours ago, I loaded some 35mm film into my Holga (not cause I'm arty, just cause I'm poor) and went for a walk with Alana and her rabid dog.

It was beastly hot and taunted me to shave my legs.


I apologise now for the blossom photos overkill. (it's spring, I'm female)


Alana.


The light leak right across her mouth is very Joker.


...


We saw this mammoth tree of blossoms and bees.


I think Alana took this one. My face was meant to be double exposed in their somewhere...


I picked some branches from that tree for my bathroom.


The next day we had brunch somewhere. Alana is reading her new book of poems by some guy. I need to stop with the gratuitous double exposing. I somehow think I get more value out of a roll of film if I multiexpose every frame, but as a result I seem to have ruined quite a number of shots.


I'm not sure how many days later this is. Here is Jayne beneath the train station. I'm hoping to go back some time and try to take a shot that's actually in focus.


It was 4pm by then and I hadn't eaten anything since the night before (this week I have been skipping a lot of meals by accident - I just seem to forget to eat). I fixed my starvation with this gigantic bowl of pho, possibly the most satisfying meal I have ever eaten.


Some holes in buildings under construction.


The cherry tree in my frontyard which has finally remembered to blossom. This may sound silly, but I was so relieved.

That's about it for now. I am feeling quite lonely. It seems as though everyone has disappeared, or do you miss me too?

la mer

A video I made as a supplementary to one of my series of photographs for school. I used windows moviemaker, and it was astonishingly easy, thank god (I'm terrible at multimedia softwares).

The music is excerpts from "The Sea is Calm" by Cocorosie.

life drawing

I have been doing so much art this week it is ridiculous. I only need 12 final pieces, but I have about 15 now, which is immensely silly. Another thing that has been keeping me busy is the wall mural which I have been working on at school. It's finally completed now, though, and I am pleased to say I have left a fairly large and permanent mark on my school (I will show it off on here once I get a photo of it).

For the mean time, here are some new lifedrawings! Actually, not that new, from a few weeks ago.


1min sketches with a carbon pencil.


5min sketch with carbon pencil.


10min - gouache and ink.


20min - gouache and ink (behold the invisible pillow she grasps onto!)

This weekend I might do some more art. I want to get all of it done and out of the way so I can start studying for my other subjects in preparation for my final exams. I also need to write a personal statement for uni applications. Speaking of which, can anyone suggest some famous architects or some contemporary architectural marvels?

music quiz

I was tagged quite a while ago, but only now am I in the mood for it. Basically, I have to pick a musician and answer the following questionaire using the titles of their songs.

Just to be irritating though, I'm going to pick a Chinese singer - 周杰倫

1. Are you male or female? 可爱女人

2. Describe yourself. 忍者

3. What do people feel when they're around you? 黑色幽默

4. How would you describe your previous relationship? 安静

5. Describe your current relationship. 爱情悬崖

6. Where would you want to be now? 上海一九四三

7. How do you feel about love? 爱在西元前

8. What's your life like? 龙卷风

9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish? 回到过去

10. Say something wise. 听妈妈的话





Actually, I'm not going to torment you. Here's an English version. I choose David Bowie this time, since everyone should know his songs.

1. Are you male or female? Changes

2. Describe yourself. China Girl

3. What do people feel when they're around you? Under Pressure

4. How would you describe your previous relationship? Ashes to Ashes

5. Describe your current relationship. Modern Love (so modern that it doesn't exist..!)

6. Where would you want to be now? Dancing in the Street

7. How do you feel about love? Little Wonder

8. What's your life like? Slow Burn

9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish? Heroes

10. Say something wise. Hang Onto Yourself

Lately I've been watching a lot of Daria on youtube. Not to say that I'm proud of it. I'm just saying. Also, I miss Paris and Florence horribly.


"Nice" indeed.


Vespa mirrors.


Room with a view.


Cobblestone streets in Florence.


My long(ish) hair!


What I would give to be there right now.... =(

'mazing

I remember seeing this video a few months ago and how my jaw just dropped as I tried to imagine how long it must've taken. After working on a fairly big project myself, I have realised how fucking laborious it is to create something large scale, let alone create it, take a photo of it, change it a little, take another photo of it.....you get what I'm saying.


MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.